Helping News October, 2020 Issue 147
The marital paradox
By Guillermo Cancio-Bello and Jim Rudes July 14, 2020
“In relationship with others, people are free to engage in goal-directed activity, or to lose ‘self’ in the intimacy of a close relationship.” — Murray Bowen
There is no shortage of strained marriages. Two people who were once close can grow distant over time and become entrenched in their own positions, which they come to see as being antithetical to those of their spouse. The things they once cherished or found charming have since faded or become an annoyance. Where there was once agreement, now there is discord. Where there was once calm, now the waters are riled. Comfort has turned to uncertainty, and the house once filled with laughter now pulses with quiet (or not so quiet) tensions.
People are drawn to the comfort, support, intimacy, affection and validation that marriage can offer. That desire for closeness pulls us together. However, when the harmony of that relationship is disrupted, problems begin in the places where each partner has been using the relationship to prop themselves up or ease their personal anxieties in some way. Where one partner suddenly feels invalidated, the other feels wronged by a disagreement. Where one spouse feels anger over the other’s opinion, the other person retreats from their partner’s criticism. The forms these disruptions can take are endless. There is no shortage of strained marriages. Two people who were once close can grow distant over time and become entrenched in their own positions, which they come to see as being antithetical to those of their spouse. The things they once cherished or found charming have since faded or become an annoyance. Where there was once agreement, now there is discord. Where there was once calm, now the waters are riled. Comfort has turned to uncertainty, and the house once filled with laughter now pulses with quiet (or not so quiet) tensions.
Rarely do couples come in for counseling until the discomfort of that distance, in whatever form it presents, has exceeded their ability to cope with the difficulty and strain it creates. But how does this happen? How can two people who started out so close with each other become so distant?
In the beginning of a relationship, most of us are more flexible and adaptable in the presence of the other than we otherwise might be. We put on a layer of maturity that doesn’t necessary reflect our true level of functioning. We are able to do this because the nature of the relationship early on has less tension. We listen to the other, we share our opinions openly, we ask questions and engage in conversation, we are curious about our partner and their views, and we are warm, kind and affectionate. Our immaturities somehow become minimized. And thank goodness that is the case, or else we might never get together.
However, that layer of maturity we put on is temporary. It is a reaction to the pull of closeness and harmony with the other. We are not implying that this action is all pretend or fake but rather that part of it does not reflect the reality of our functioning. It is a mechanism that fosters the closeness both individuals desire.
When that maturity slips off, and when our immaturities rear their heads, each individual in the relationship can begin to wonder what happened to the other. Each person begins to assume that the other has changed, and each assumes that the other is the one inhibiting the restoration of intimacy and harmony. This is the distance that pushes apart people who were once so close. Both become entrenched in their position that the other is the problem, and the relationship patterns that maintain the distance become fixed.
This is when people tend to seek counseling. So, what can we do as professional counselors? Working from the framework of Murray Bowen’s family systems theory has helped us acquire and maintain perspective about the relationship between two people. Its systemic underpinnings allow us to conceptualize the relationship without placing blame or seeing fault in one partner or the other. The theory focuses on the processes between people rather than the content of the arguments, which can create a din of noise in which both counselor and clients can easily become entangled and lost.
More information coming...